LOVE ABBY: I am a 48 year old woman who has been divorced for 10 years. During that time, I was in two serious relationships. I’m not a prude, but it seems like everyone I go out with, who my friends and I talk to, and articles I see are all about sex, sex, rushing to have sex. It’s like there’s no longer any focus on actually getting to know a person.
I would like to believe that sex is something that people who are already emotionally intimate can share. But by the third date, sex is not just expected, it is considered “normal”. If I say it’s too early for me, I won’t be called back to another appointment. If I continue with sex, I feel compromised and discounted when the “relationship” ends. These men didn’t take the time to actually know ME.
Please understand. I’m mature enough to deal with this, but it keeps me from dating. Are there men out there who want a connection that isn’t just physical?
– DO NOT CONNECT IN MISSOURI
DO NOT CONNECT LOVE: Yes there is. In our connecting culture, however, it can take some time to find them. I agree that we live in a sex-obsessed society as we are constantly reminded of it in print, television, film, and online media. Many men in your age group avoid emotional intimacy because they are divorced and don’t want to get back into a committed relationship quickly.
It is possible that you will be luckier if you join activity groups where members have common interests rather than just walking straight into the bedroom. You should never let yourself be compelled to do something that you don’t feel ready for. Contrary to what some people might believe, sex doesn’t automatically go to dinner.
LOVE ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 10 years and were legally married a year ago. Our wedding was at the last minute because my mom asked us to postpone the date and do it quickly. We agreed because she was very sick at the time, and we put the wedding together in nine days. The ceremony was beautiful. My mother died days later. I realize now that she knew she was incurable; However, I did not do it.
Since the date of her death is so close to our anniversary, it is a very emotional and difficult time for me. I would prefer to celebrate on a different day, maybe the anniversary of our first meeting. My husband tells me that while he understands that it is difficult for me, the date of our legal ceremony is important and worth celebrating for him. I just don’t feel like partying. Even though I know it’s not fair to him, I just want to mourn the loss of my mother. How should I handle it?
– BITTERSWEET MEMORIES IN FLORIDA
LOVE BITTERSWEET: A compromise is in order. Re-explain to your husband that because you lost your mother only a year ago, and this will be the first anniversary after her death, you would prefer to either skip celebrating this year or celebrate on a different date . Assure him that your sadness will eventually subside, and if it does, you can celebrate your wedding anniversary with him in the future.