I am sure you have written something about this in the past. I’ve scoured your archives, but I’ve only managed to find people arguing in the comments on this subject when I want your advice. My 16 year old son steals our sex toys. My son took my husband’s hand toy a few months ago. I found it where it shouldn’t have been and let my husband know. He spoke to our son and told him that these were personal items like a toothbrush and that he should stop using them. A few weeks ago I noticed that my dildo was missing. I thought I misplaced it or my husband hid it somewhere. As it turned out, our son took it. We spoke to him again and emphasized that these are personal items and should not be shared. I want to get him his own toy so he won’t take ours anymore. My husband is upset about this, and I agree that it is strange for your parents to buy a toy for you, but he clearly wants one. I don’t want to find out. I want to give him a prepaid gift card and let him choose what he wants on a reputable business website. What better way to deal with this?
– Mama in Houston
Teenagers. Even going to their rooms for a second – even just to leave clean and folded linen on their beds – is an unforgivable invasion of their privacy, a world historical crime on par with the Nazi invasion of Poland, an atrocity that should land mom and dad in a cell in The Hague. But the same kid will tear apart their parents’ bedroom and look for mom and dad’s sex toys, cash mom and dad have at home, mom and dad’s secret pot, etc. Because while they are entitled to complete privacy, mom and dad have Papa Papa – or Papa and Papa or Mama and Mama – have absolutely no right to privacy. (And your son may never forgive you for the embarrassment you caused him when you asked him not to steal – and not use, your dildo.)
How do you deal with it?
You could forbid him to go into your bedroom. You could even put a lock on your bedroom door. But you will forget to lock it one day or one day he will learn to open the lock and before you know it he will be back in your bedroom searching your sex toys.
You might run out of clock. Her son is 16 years old and will hopefully be out of the house in less time than it took to get him out of his diaper. Twenty-four short months, hundreds of millions of COVID vaccinations, and a few college applications are all that stands on its own between you and your home. At this point, you and your husband no longer have to worry about your son stealing your sex toys – damn it, this is where you can turn them into a beautiful centerpiece for the dining table. But if you do run out of the clock, you can avoid a little squeak, but you still have to worry about him stealing your sex toys or – worse – stealing one, using it, and then putting it back without cleaning it properly. Most 16-year-old boys cannot clean themselves properly. The chances of your son being able to sterilize your dildo after using it on himself are very, very small. (The likelihood your son will make you jump into a time machine and go back 17 years and sterilize yourself? Very, very high.)
You could buy him sex toys. I think this is the best option. Get your son a gift card that he can use to inflate some toys for himself at a reputable sex toy store. Or you could pick a few for him – you already have a pretty good idea of the types of sex toys he finds appealing – and leave those toys for him on his bed next to his clean and folded laundry. Having a few sex toys of his own won’t necessarily stop him from tearing your bedroom apart – there is still your pot and money to be found – but it will make him less likely to tear your bedroom apart when he goes down Sex toy addiction. And perhaps most importantly, buying your son sex toys is a great way to put your disbelief and pretend your son doesn’t look through your sex toys long enough to help him fill out those college applications.
A few weeks ago you replied to a man in your column who was unsure about his relationship because his friend’s kinks did not match his. They said that kinks are “hardwired” and that someone who has them must act on their kinks in order for them to have a fulfilling sex life. Wow. That jumped off the side on me. This is something that I struggled with for most of my life and that made things so crystal clear. From the time I first became sexually aware, I knew I was gay and that I was attracted to BDSM. I’m five years out of a 20 year relationship. My partner and I got into BDSM, but I never felt like he was really interested in it. He only did it for me. When I asked what I could do for him, he always said “nothing”. That made it even more disappointing. The relationship didn’t end over his things, but I regret sticking with it for so long – and an unfulfilled sex life. The kink stuff started so early for me. Hardwired it doesn’t even begin to describe. Before puberty, I was intrigued to see guys get tied up on TV, comics, and movies. But here I am now, single and 63 years old. I haven’t met anyone since my relationship ended. I don’t want to go out with all-vanilla people or people with wrinkles who are incompatible with mine. I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice?
– I don’t have a smart acronym
In the column where I described kinks as hardwired – which is what they are to most people, INCA, although some people manage to get them – I wasn’t advising kinky people to just meet other kinky people. As long as a kinky person isn’t (1) ashamed and (2) allowed to enjoy their kinks with others who share them, a mixed kink and vanilla relationship can work. So don’t limit yourself to only meeting men who are into BDSM. Date vanilla guys you meet through mainstream dating apps, but be open to your kinks from the start and be clear about your intention to enjoy your kinks with men who share them. And date kinky guys you meet on kink dating apps – there are plenty of guys your age on Recon, the biggest personals site for kinky, gay, and bi men, and guys of all ages that target guys your age stand. Good luck.
Gay boy here with a new friend. We’ve been together for almost two months and I’ve told him I want an open relationship, but I don’t feel comfortable when he’s with other men. I made that clear. Oh, so casually he drops a week ago, he’s been dating a guy for eight damn years! I told him to stop, but he refuses to stop. He says they don’t “date” so he didn’t betray me. I’ve checked out their text messages – YEARS BACK – and this guy is going to text him every few months and my friend rushes to his house to give him a blowjob. My friend says it shouldn’t matter that he “serves” that one other person as we are both fucking around. My problem is the “ANOTHER PERSON” part of the equation! I am NOT interested in monogamy, but I am firmly against MY FRIEND having an on-going business with another man! If age matters, I’m in my mid 20s and VGL, my boyfriend is in my mid 30s and VGL, and this guy is in his late 40s and looks average. I don’t understand why my friend won’t give up on this man for me.
– Really mad guy in no games
I can almost see why your friend won’t want to give up on this guy for you, RAGING. I mean if I blink I can almost make it out. …
Look, your friend has been serving this guy for almost a decade. If they wanted to date, they would meet. If they wanted to be together they would be together. And if you force your friend to choose between the DEMANDING INSECURE CAPS BOY he has known for a little less than two months – that would be you – and the man he has been serving for a little less than a decade, you will lose. If you want to be with your VGL friend RAGING, offer the grandfather the average person, i.e. agree to him continuing to serve this incredibly old fart, on the condition that your friend doesn’t add any new “regulars” to his rotation. But your friend also happens to be reading my column: OMG, DUDE, RUN.
Ask? email@example.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage, savagelovecast.com.
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