OPINION: This story contains sexual content
By the time I met my girlfriend, we had been texting for a month.
We had exchanged numbers after matching on Tinder, but we couldn’t meet for a while due to our work schedules.
Maybe it was building weeks of flirtatious messages or an undeniable chemistry between us, but we did have sex on the first date.
The next morning I was lying in her bed with a familiar feeling of fear.
How did I get things going so fast? What would she think of me now? Was I meant to be written off as a frivolous night of fun even though I really liked her and wanted us to keep getting to know each other?
Of course, those fears were based on my history of meeting men.
Relationship professionals praise the “keep him waiting for intimacy” tagline for good reason. Talk show host Steve Harvey even coined a more extreme version of his bestselling Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man – the infamous “90 Day Rule” – in which women are instructed to make man They See Wait 90 Days For Sex To Improve Their Chances Of Engagement.
The reality is that most women who find themselves in the heat of the moment waited the next day for a text that never came.
“You slept with him too quickly!” A friend scolded me once after telling her about the guy who didn’t return my calls.
On the subject of matching items
“Men need to feel like they deserve it. As if you weren’t just leaving it to anyone who wants it. Otherwise, it’ll hurt their ego,” she said.
Obviously, the notion that men’s egos are so fragile that they require this level of validation is troubling and indicates a problem with our definition of masculinity. It is also rooted in the offensive belief that men cannot fully humanize sexual women. Not to mention the poisonous suggestion that women should use sex as a tool to entice men into relationships.
And yet, the lived reality for most of the women I know is that men are more likely to ghost sex after sex if they get it quick.
Of course, some men are a ghost after sex, even if you hold it back for weeks. I once dated a man I waited two months to sleep with. During this time he would take me to expensive dinners, text me constantly, and surprise me with flowers and gifts. The day after we got physical, I never heard from him again.
“Why should he invest so much time, energy, and money chasing me when he just wanted one thing? Couldn’t he just get this by picking up a girl in a bar?” I asked a male friend a few days after my date went MIA.
“You were a challenge, and basically we love to know we conquered the girl who is hard to come by,” he explained casually as I sat across from him with my mouth open.
It’s not uncommon for men to feign an interest in a relationship to improve their chances of having sex. I’ve heard this countless times from male friends. A buddy recently admitted, “I’m not proud of it, but I definitely did this to get a girl to bed.”
Aside from the fact that this is a form of sexual coercion, it is based on the false premise that women want monogamy exclusively. (In fact, research has consistently shown that women crave sexual diversity as much as, if not more, than men.)
And while there is nothing inherently wrong with casual sex, our culture’s obsession with linking sexual experiences with masculinity is very problematic while men are not given the emotional competence to navigate intimacy with women.
It’s also undeniable post-sex feminine spirit. When women do this, it is usually because we have already made our feelings clear on multiple occasions and they have not been accepted, or because we have learned to fear retaliation (both verbal and physical) from men for rejecting them from.
Conversely, men remain silent after sex because we are teaching them to view it as transactional and not educating boys to have the same expressive communication as girls. While mocking “Guys don’t cry!” and “REAL men are tough and strong,” what we end up doing is some kind of emotional castration on boys.
It is no wonder that the term “clarity after the nut” has grown in recent years. Defined by the Urban Dictionary as “the immediate clarity or sobriety an individual achieves after orgasm,” it is an unscientific condition that exists largely to excuse poor postcoital behavior in men.
While women also receive a rush of feel-good hormones after climax that can improve mental clarity and cognition, we don’t suffer from an illness that results in calling an Uber and someone on Tinder within the first five minutes of hitting someone take out of the game.
First date sex is rarely a deal breaker for women. I should know My girlfriend and I have been more or less inseparable since we first did the deed over a month ago.
While we like to treat sex as something that is significantly different for each gender, the truth is that we are far more alike than we’d like to admit. It is the culture in which we raise young men and women that leads us to behave differently when it comes to sexual intimacy.
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