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My boyfriend wants Viagra – the shortage of spontaneity is killing my intercourse drive | Relationships

I started dating my boyfriend seven months ago and it was amazing. I love him, he makes me laugh, he’s so nice to me – but we still haven’t mastered the bedroom. When we first met, he couldn’t maintain an erection to have penetrative sex. That upset him and me stopped trying to initiate sex because it just wasn’t a pleasant experience. He has since ordered Viagra and we could have sex, but for a while it felt like he was in charge. He wouldn’t tell me if he took one and would just force the erection on me. I told him how I was feeling and now he asks me if he should take one – or I ask him to take one.

But I still struggle with the fact that not only can I have sex with him – it has to be planned. Have been young and healthy so it’s definitely a mental thing. I’m the first girl he’s slept with where there is an actual emotional connection.

When we have sex it’s fine – but it doesn’t have the spontaneous mood to jump on me and throw me into bed and I just feel unfulfilled. I never initiate it ‘Cause I’m a little scarred when he couldn’t stay hard

Since sex is a learned experience, it is not easy or spontaneous for many people. Movies and TV shows often feature spontaneous sex, so it’s easy to get the impression that this is the norm in relationships. However, there are many important reasons why sex should be planned during a couple’s life together – to fit in with work, children, or family members. People living with pain or disabilities must schedule sex for times when they will get the maximum benefit from pain relieving treatments.

It’s very early in your relationship and he’s just learning how his body works in the context of a partner – so try to be patient. You will also learn important skills and it will all pay off. But your desire for spontaneous sex is at odds with your complaint that he is in charge by triggering sex on you. Decide what you really want and, after he has gained more confidence, ask carefully about it – which could surely be achieved with the use of medication to aid his erections.

  • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

  • For advice from Pamela on sexual matters, please send us a brief description of your concern at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week Pamela picks a problem to be posted online. She regrets that she cannot conduct personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our general terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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